Summer is a time for flowers, gardening and growing vegetables.  It’s a time when those of us who normally buy produce in Shop Rite or Stop and Shop decide to branch out on our own and grow stuff.  We pretend to know what we are doing as we walk the aisles of Home Depot purchasing plants smaller than a ruler, even buying plants we’ve never heard of before.  It’s as if once the weather has gotten warmer and the frost has dissipated for the season, people get bit with the bug to dig in the dirt and grow something.  We also promise ourselves we won’t buy a lot of plants or spend a ton of money, but it never fails…we come home with a car full of green things and have no idea what to do with them.  Ok, so I’m talking about myself, big deal.

I never knew how many types of tomatoes there were until I tried to buy a plant for myself.  I had no idea which one I was supposed to pick, so naturally I bought one of each.  I have a small patch of dirt which I use to grow things every year, and there’s a chain link fence backing my garden which separates my yard from my neighbors.  This year they planted about six huge flower pots of tomatoes on their side of the fence, but I bought some of my own anyway.

Last year I tried to stuff so many plants in one little area of the garden that everything grew into a huge bush, and because it was so overgrown I think the plants yielded about two tomatoes.  This year I got smart and only planted four tomato plants, each one a different kind since I had no idea what any of them were.

I even bought two tiny little corn stalks, each about the size of my hand, and proudly watched it grow taller and thicker.   I never knew that one stalk will only yield about two or three corn on the cobs (I have no idea what corn growing on a stalk is called and I’m too lazy to google it right now).  I thought that when I picked my corn on the cob off the stalk it would just grow a new one.  It doesn’t.  (Before you get all judgmental on me, I grew up in the Bronx.  We did NOT have corn because we did NOT have a garden)

Anyway, this year I also proudly grew snap beans (they died), edamamameme (they lived but after I picked them I didn’t eat them and then they died too), peppers (they grew but are miniature and I am thinking maybe I bought a dwarf version of the plant?), eggplant ( grew only one but it’s a mini version), zucchini (grew so much I ran out of things to do with it), and cucumbers (only got 4 of those babies, no idea why).

I asked my neighbor where he bought his tomato plants from because they grew so big they jumped the fence and covered all mine.

Neighbor’s tomatoes jump the fence


Personally, I think he infused steroids into the stems but he says no, he fed them regular plant food.  (Uh huh, right)  He had to build a conveyor belt for all the tomatoes he grew.  Just look…

Conveyor belt of Tomatoes


I do have more cherry tomatoes than I know what to do with.  As I sit and look down at my garden from my deck, I truly believe that I planted all that stuff just to prove that I could grow something.  (Besides kids…I grew three of those and probably should have watered them more) I mean, I don’t even like vegetables and no one in my house eats tomatoes.  Ever notice how people at your job will bring in bags of them, asking anyone to take them?  It’s because we over plant the shit and then have no idea what to do with them so we give ‘em away.  Some farmers we are…

Anyway, back to my neighbors…I think that in addition to giving their plants steroids they set up a television at night and play dirty videos for them when everyone is sleeping.  No, I’m not high on tomatoes, it’s really what I think.  I know, you want me to explain.  Well, my neighbors went away for a week and told me to pick whatever I wanted from their garden so nothing went to waste.  So I went over there with my ten year old and we started picking.

I began to notice a few odd things…like the shape of some of their tomatoes.  Then I saw something that made me grab my daughter and run because I realized my neighbors had a porn garden.  You’re probably wondering what a porn garden is…well I’ll show you because I went back and picked some of their pornoveggies, then took pictures.  I’ll let you decide…

What the Hell is This?

To give you an idea of it’s size, I put a banana next to it…



If you want to know what that green thing is, I thinks it’s called a komikazi or something similar.  Or maybe it was a jacuzzi.  Could have been called a cozi-cuzzy.  No idea, but I’ve also had three glasses of wine and they could possibly be skewing my memory of the damn thing.  But have you ever seen that before????  Like I said, I’m from the Bronx, and there weren’t any green vegetables I knew of that looked like that!  I kept waiting for a creepy clown to step out from under their garden plants and make me a balloon animal, because that’s what this thing looked like, a solid green balloon before creepy clown twisted it into something else.

And look at this tomato!  At first I thought my neighbor sutured three tomatoes together as a prank, but then I realized this was the real deal.

Sutured Tomato?

The more I turned it around the worse it got…

Not Even Going There!

Until finally I left it on their counter because I knew it was trying to corrupt my brain and try to make me grow pornographic vegetables too… but I refuse to give in to the powers of their pornoveggies.

Thank God they didn’t grow their own corn because it would have been porn on the pod!

Anyway, if you have your own pornoveggie tale to tell, feel free…I know my neighbors aren’t the only ones out there growing this stuff.  It’s like they belong to a secret society of veggieporn planters or something….

I think next year I’ll just plant flowers.