I upgraded my phone to the Samsung Galaxy S8.  I don’t do Apple, I’m a die-hard Android fanatic.  This new phone can do a ton of cool (and very scary) things like recognize my face to unlock the screen, check my oxygen levels (no joke) and pretty much anything else you’d want a five-inch electronic smart gadget to do, without asking, to satisfy your needs (for all you filthy minded people, I am not referring to that, can we please try to keep this clean?)

Anyway, this phone comes with Bixby.  Sort of like Siri, and Cortana, and Alexa, but it’s Bixby.  Apparently, it can do anything you want it to do as long as you ask politely.  And start off your sentence with “Hi Bixby”.  (It won’t walk the dog, I asked it to but Bixby told me to get off my lazy ass and do it myself)

In order to get Bixby going, I had to agree to the Terms and Conditions.  No biggie.  It looked like this…

Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

I quickly checked all the boxes and was about to click Next when a sudden thought invaded my empty mind…I hadn’t read all of the terms or privacy policies but was about to agree to everything anyway.

So I read a little more, like how Bixby will access my Phone, Messages, Contacts, Calendar, Location, and phone storage, and will use my accessibility setting to make my phone easier to use…

And my pulse quickened, (I know because I checked it on my phone) because by signing off on all this, I realized I would be giving Bixby consent to completely and utterly SCREW WITH MY LIFE!

Think about it, I will “allow Bixby to access my Phone”…who is he going to call, and what will he say once he calls them?  What if he calls my husband and tells him how I have a secret credit card that I use when I don’t want him to know how much I’m spending?

Or the “I will allow Bixby to access my Messages”…what if he sends a group text to my kids telling them the school’s closed for the next two weeks?  My kids certainly wouldn’t question why.

Then there’s the Calendar access…what the hell, man?  What if he starts really screwing with my life and starts adding things like “Mom has an appointment with Club Fit every Tuesday and Thursday”?  I don’t exercise, so what if this is Bixby’s way of telling me I’m a fat you know what?  Or what if Bixby adds things to my calendar like “Confession” or “Supermarket” or crap that I hate doing?

This is getting serious, yo!

And what the hell does “Make my phone easier to use mean”?  How is a phone made easier to use?  Will it start calling me out on all my inadequacies by locking most of the awesome features just because I have no clue how to use them and probably never will?  How will I ever learn anything?

And what if Bixby tries to access other things, things I didn’t read in all of its Privacy Policy statements because it’s all a bunch of mumbo-jumbo?  Like for instance, what if by signing off I’ve just allowed Bixby access to my husband?  Or my car?  Maybe that’s why it wouldn’t start this morning, not because it was cold but because Bixby is a demon disguised as an app named Bixby to take over my marriage, career, car and kids!

Oh what holy hell have I gotten myself into by upgrading my phone?

I tried to uncheck everything but I couldn’t figure out how to get the terms page back.  So I asked Bixby to pull it up for me and you KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

Bixby laughed this evil, mWahahaha! and then shut my phone off!

So now you’re wondering what I did, right?  Well, I threw the phone across the room since it was obviously possessed, called Verizon, and had them swap my phone with Anna’s, my eleven-year-old.

She was ecstatic, as was I because I knew that Bixby didn’t have a chance against Anna who also had extremely evil tendencies (apparently, signing her birth certificate was when I signed off on Anna’s Terms and Privacy Policy)

As I was going to bed, I felt so much better knowing I no longer had a phone that could kill me in my sleep by altering my brainwaves, but as I passed Anna’s room, I heard voices.  I opened the door just in time to hear Bixby tell Anna her puppy would arrive in a few days, free of charge since he had access to all bank vaults, and that he’d already put it on her calendar so she wouldn’t forget.  He’d also already hired a personal trainer and ordered a dog bed.

Bixby is no longer a part of our family…I shut that baby down faster than Trump presses ‘post’ on his tweets and tonight, I will sleep like a baby.