Everyone has heard of the Bucket List…you know, all the things you want to do before the big guy in the sky points his finger at you and says, “Sorry, time’s up!”
We all hit a time in our lives when the reality of mortality sinks in and we run around our house looking for a pad and pen to write down all the things we haven’t done yet but want to do before we die.
You can’t deny it, even if you haven’t actually written the stuff down you have thought of at least ONE thing you swore you’d do before you bite the bullet.
Well, this post is sort of about that, but it’s not my bucket list. It’s my Fuck It List…all the things that many people would love to do before they die followed by my Fuck it, response…
- Many people want to run a marathon before they die. Me? I say Fuck it…I’d rather buy one box of every hostess cake ever made, sit on my couch and watch Sponge Bob
- Climb to the top of Mt. Everest…Fuck it…I don’t even want to carry my laundry up the stairs from my basement…enough said!
- Watch the sun rise over a Caribbean island…Fuck it… who wants to wake up at the crack of dawn just to watch the sun come out right before it gives you skin cancer. I’d rather sleep another two hours
- Live in the Moment, Relax, Be Mindful…Fuck it…have you ever gotten stuck in traffic behind an eighty year old woman wearing a hat going ten miles an hour? It’s much better to ignore the moment and curse like a truck driver as you pray for the light to finally turn green
- Learn another language…Fuck it…I don’t know about y’all but I can barely understand English now a days. My kids come home and say words I’ve never heard before, then make fun of me when I ask them what it means. Why the hell would I subject myself to yet another language when I don’t even know what the hell my own family is talking about at the dinner table?
- Have a food fight…Fuck it…I have a hard enough time washing the dishes after dinner let alone cleaning spaghetti sauce off the dining room walls and pulling peas out of my bra
- Float in the Dead Sea…Fuck it…who needs to travel all the way to Jordan when I could book a forty minute session in a sensory deprivation flotation tank ten miles from my house
- Donate my hair to Locks for Love…Fuck it…ok I don’t know about you people but ever since I hit forty, there’s more hair in my bathtub drain than on my head. Forget donating my hair, I need someone to donate their hair to me
- Ride a Zip Line…Fuck it…if God had wanted people to fly through the air he would have given us wings, not a ½ inch rope, a buckle and a wedgie producing harness
- Jump off a cliff…Fuck it…there is no reason why anyone in their right mind should stand on the edge of a rock or mountain or cliff, look down and say to themselves, “You know, I think it’d be awesome to jump off this thing and then see how long it takes for the shit in my body to make it’s way out into my underpants.”
- Sit in the Back of a Police Car…Fuck it…Ok this is a given…if my ass is going to be sitting in the back of an official police vehicle then I sure as shit should have just robbed the biggest bank in the neighborhood, or at the very least be the star in a porn video
- Swim with Sharks…Fuck it…Why in the name of God would any normal person decide that in order to fulfill his or her life, they must put it in danger by jumping into water with a 2,000 pound beast baring fifteen rows of teeth? I can think of so many more ways to die that wouldn’t hurt half as much
- Walk on Hot Coals…Fuck it…I can’t even walk down my asphalt driveway barefoot in July to grab my mail.
- Horseback Ride on the Beach…Fuck it…Sounds wonderful, no? Horseback riding with your boyfriend or girlfriend on a beach watching the sunset…But it’s bad enough doing the nasty and trying to keep sand out of your privates, now you’re bowlegged and cramping in places you never even knew existed
- Jump in a Huge Pile of Leaves…Fuck it…yeah and then spend the next three hours pulling ticks out of your crotch
- Witness a Solar Eclipse…Fuck it…sure and it will be the last thing you ever do see because it’s impossible to get a pair of the right ISBN shades on Amazon
- Meet the President…Fuck it… and well him too
- Jump Into a Pool Fully Clothed…Fuck it…so that my boots and heavy jeans make me sink to the bottom and I drown? No thank you
Anyway, I think you’ve gotten the idea…
I don’t have time to waste pondering and planning all the things I need to get done before I croak, I’d much rather binge watch Game of Thrones…it’s so much more stimulating.