A few weeks back I went over some medical diagnoses and what they meant.  I thought it would be informative to provide you with some basic medical terminology today, but instead of giving you the definitions as written in Merck’s Manual, I interviewed Pop from House Call Heroine and his answers were quite amusing.  I want to share them with you.

ENEMA:  not a friend

CAT SCAN:  Searching for Kitty

CAUTERIZE:  Made eye contact with her

SEIZURE:  Roman Emperor

CESAREAN SECTION:  a neighborhood in Rome

GLUTEUS MAXIMUS:  one of the guys who stabbed Caesar

NODE:  I knew it

PELVIS:  second cousin to Elvis

TERMINAL ILLNESS:  getting sick at the airport

OUTPATIENT:  a person who’s fainted

FIBULA:  a small lie

LABOR PAIN:  getting hurt at work

MORBID:  a higher offer

BARIUM:  what doctors do when patients die

PATHOLOGICAL:  A reasonable way to go

RECTUM:  almost killed him

RED BLOOD COUNT:  Dracula

THORAX:  a Dr. Seuss character

TUMOR:  an extra pair of something

Now I want to share with you a secret…there is an evil shark living in my swimming pool.  Really, there is.   His name is Sharlucifer and he swims around all day and all night seeping his chlorine waste into the water, just waiting for the opportunity to reek havoc.  If we are lucky, our summer remains uneventful.  However if things have been quiet for a while we know disaster is just waiting to happen.  And it did.  This summer.  While my family was away.

Let me start the story by telling you about our baby birds.  Every year since we have moved into our home a robin builds a nest under our deck and lays her eggs.  There have been times when we’ve had three different nests and robins laying eggs at different times early in the season.  The nests are built on a wooden ledge underneath the deck and because we have slats in our deck, we are able to use our phones to zoom in and get great close up shots.  It’s pretty amazing, although anyone looking would think we’d lost our minds because in order to take pictures you have to get on your hands and knees, butt in the air, face to the floor and peer way down between the slats of wood.  I think my husband has a thing for Robins ’cause he says I take the most amazing pictures and always asks me for a new one every day.

Anyway, this year we got to see the babies for the first time from beneath the deck.  I discovered that if I hit the ledge with my hand, the babies all pop up with their mouths open!  Pretty hysterical…well until Mama Robin makes a swoop for your head and then tells Papa Robin to do the same.  So now I always wear a hat when I go out to hit the wood ledge.

Here is what the babies looked like this year:

Baby Robins

Cute, right?  I know, I thought so too.  Now back to the story.  Before we went to Washington I cleaned the pool really well.  I vacuumed it and threw a ton of chemicals in it.  It looked amazing.  But the entire time I was walking around the pool , Sharlucifer stared eerily in my direction.  He swam to whatever section I happened to be in and watched every move I made.  I was glad to get away from him for a week, because in all honesty, he scared me.

So we all go on vacation (we all know how that trip started off) and return refreshed, ready for sun and pool time.  Of course after a week the pool needed some cleaning so I got ready to vacuum once again and lifted the wood which covered our pool filter.  What I saw made me jump in such a way that I almost fell in, but didn’t, thank God.  When I regained my composure, I looked a little closer and tried to figure out if there was a mini head in my filter or some long haired gnome who’d decided to go for a swim.  Either way, it wasn’t a pretty picture.  I’ll show it to you.

Something eerie floating in my pool filter – the top of someone’s head or a gnome??????

Yeah, it was gross, I know.  I almost stuck my hand in that thing!  So I did what any mother does when she sees something disgusting invading her territory….I ran screaming into the house for my fifteen year old son to come and get the dead gnome out of my filter.

My son Christopher (we’ll call him bad Christopher) obviously takes after me because the first thing he said was “Forget it, I’m not touching anything dead in the pool.  You get it.”  Nice, huh?  Doctors CUT OPEN MY BELLY with a large SCALPEL to bring this red headed little shit into the world and he can’t even scoop a dead rat, gnome, mini person out of the pool?  WTF?

Thank God he had a friend, also named Christopher, (we’ll call him good Christopher) over who had no problems whatsoever scooping the head out of the pool.  God bless his soul.  Good Christopher can come swim in my pool any day he wants.  Bad Christopher can go eat dead worms..

So would you like to know what the head was?   Let me show you….

He’s dead and he’s still flipping me the bird!

Yup, a dead bird.   Was it one of the baby birds from nasty Mama Robin’s nest?  Who knows because the entire nest was empty.  How did a bird manage to fly into my pool and die?  Well, I will give you one guess….

EVIL SHARLUCIFER!

And the moral of the story?  Don’t leave your shark in your pool when you go away on vacation.  Either that or steal all the robin’s eggs out of the nest before they hatch.