Ok so I have some serious concerns with regards to my daughter Anna, who’s now eleven. She ran into the kitchen two nights ago screaming, and me being a nurse, ignored her of course, because unless my children are bleeding profusely from a body part, I don’t budge. They call it uncaring, I call it good assessment skills.
Anyway, Anna is still screaming as she jumps up and down and she’s speaking so fast I can’t understand a word she’s saying. She finally got her ADD in check and spoke in sentences slow enough for me to follow.
Here’s how our conversation went:
Anna: “Mom, mom, mom! Guess what? I made a comment from my Imaperson account on a YouTube channel and this dude scrolls through his comments and chooses the best one and if he chooses mine it will go on his wall of names. And my comment has 271 likes which means it’s gonna’ go to the top of his comments list which means I have a good chance that he’ll pick mine! I’m soooo excited!”
Me: “Wait, what? You have a YouTube account?”
Anna: (Rolls her eyes) “No I don’t have a YouTube account, I have an account to post comments on his channel. It’s called ‘Imaperson’.”
Me: “I’m glad you’re a person but how did you get an account?”
Anna: “Through your email. But that’s not the point! The point is that I might go on his wall of names!”
Me: “What’s so special about this wall of fame?” (And why the heck is my child using MY email?)
Anna: “Mom, its WALL OF NAMES and it means that if enough people like my comment I’ll have a better chance of him reading it and putting it up on the wall! I’m so excited! Can I read what I wrote?”
Me: “I’d be upset if you didn’t.” (Meanwhile I pray our savings account hasn’t been turned into Bit Coin by my child’s YouTube affiliations)
Anna: “Ok here’s what I wrote…(Anna proceeds to read me the following paragraph)
In case the writing in the pic is too small, here is what it says:
Unspeakable I have a rlly good idea:
So set the world spawn or Shark, Moose, or Cyclones spawn above an end portal surrounded by bedrock so they spawn and fall to the end, and have to defeat the ender dragon. But, if they just jump off the edge, their spawn point is still above the end portal. Like so Unspeakable can see
Ima Person (256 likes)
Anna: “Isn’t that great?” (She’s jumping up and down again)
Me: (To myself ‘WTF?’) Out loud, “Um it sounds a little paranormal to me.”
Anna: “Huh? Mom I never know what you’re talking about. Whatever…the point is I already have 271 LIKES!”
Me: “Likes of what?”
Anna: “LIKES Mom…it means people like what I wrote!”
Me: “Like what you wrote? You mean other people actually understand what you wrote?”
Anna: “Never mind Mom, you don’t get this stuff. I’ll let you know if I get on the wall of names.”
(She walks away)
I am left to ponder what the hell just went down in my kitchen and I am scared, very, very scared. For her safety, for my safety, for our financial security. I’m scared because I truly don’t even know what I should be scared of!
I am also worried…is it normal for an eleven year old to talk about spawning? Maybe I should take her to the pediatrician. I mean, I know she watched the puberty video in class but I truly don’t recall it being about anything more than the human anatomy. And what about that “jumping off the edge” part? Possibly a psychiatrist is a better alternative.
Then again how does a moose fit in here? I’ve no clue, so maybe I should forget the doctors and have the vet take a look at her.
And what’s with the cyclones and sharks? Could it be she watched Sharknado on Netflix?
This whole piece is dark and unnerving, so I’m left wondering if I need to call our church priest. (or an exorcist)
I took a few deep breaths, swallowed a few (hundred) sips of wine, and felt calmer. I decided to wait this one out, see what happens…and pray…for her soul…and my soul…because it’s getting more and more difficult to raise children these days. I was never taught how to read MineCraft lingo, which is apparently what her suggestion is about.
I decided to think positively, like maybe she’ll grow up to be an architect, or a meteorologist, or a marine biologist. Or maybe she’ll be one of those kids who’s still playing video games in her room when she’s forty (God help me).
Anyway, I guess we’re ok for the time being. But if you read an article in the paper about an eleven year old girl who gets abducted by alien spawn sharks in an attempt to help them defeat an ender dragon before they get sucked through an end portal, you’ll know it’s my kid!
(Today Anna told me she’s up to 471 likes, which makes me feel a little better I guess knowing there are 471 other people in this world who understand her, even if I don’t)
Like this post so maybe I’ll get more blog followers (or at the very least end up on someone’s wall of names)