Ahh it’s that time again…time to rummage through our basements, closets and garages for all of our Christmas decorations that we shoved away last year. We always start off excited with lots of happy energy, patting ourselves on the backs because we picked “the perfect day” to hang our holiday lights and set up our lawns with inflatables and every other décor Target had on sale last year.
We grab our phone and a speaker, blast Jingle Bells and Silent Night, and wave to our neighbors on their way to breakfast or church. Since it’s early enough in the day we start outside with intentions of ending the day in our living room for the grand finale…decorating the Christmas tree!
The kids all promised to help when we asked them during the week but for some reason, they’re no where to be found. But it’s ok, we have our coffee in hand and are feeling happy, so we bring the dog outside for company, because we don’t want to be totally alone.
We set up the ladder in front of the house and drag the first of our bins to a section of the lawn so that we can organize what goes where. As we peer inside, we wished that we had taken just a tad bit more time when we put everything away last year instead of just shoving them into the bins, but who wants to spend more time than they need cleaning stuff up once the holidays have come and gone?
So we pull out all the lights and get somewhat frazzled because they’re slightly more tangled up than we’d like, but after thirty minutes we finally have them laying across the grass in beautiful untangled rows separated by color.
After finally figuring out how the hell the little plastic hooks clip onto our gutters, we are ready to string the first set of lights along the front of the house. All goes well and before we know it, the entire front gutter has beautiful colored icicles hanging from it. We jump off the ladder and search for the green outdoor extension cord that we instructed our spouses to put away WITH the lights but it’s no where to be found. So we look for the spare but can’t find that one either. We find a regular extension cord but it’s not for outdoors so to keep from burning our house done, we grab our keys and bag and run to CVS or Walgreens, whichever is closer because Home Depot is too damn crowded.
We buy 9, 15 and 20 foot extension cords (cause we have no idea what size is the one we need) and run home to plug in our lights. To our dismay, the middle section does not light up but the two end sections do. We climb our ladder and inspect the lights, but finding the one burnt out light is an impossible challenge, one we are too damn annoyed to confront. Soooo, we jump back in our car and drive to CVS or Walgreens and buy brand new lights.
After another thirty minutes we have restrung the lights and to our amazement, they all light up! Mind you not one child has yet to come outside and our spouse, well he decided to blow the leaves because we’re doing a damn good job with the lights all by ourselves.
No worries, we’re moving along fairly well and are ready to stake the inflatables on our freshly blown lawn. We run inside to grab a pair of gloves ‘cause it’s getting kind of chilly now that the sun went in. Except you didn’t realize you stepped in dog poo and have just tracked it through the kitchen. As much as you love your dog, you regret the fact they were outside with you. You clean the crap, curse once or twice wondering why the damn blower didn’t take the poop with the leaves, but proceed with the holiday hanging.
We’ve hung the lights, staked the inflatables and hung ornaments from the outdoor awnings. Now it’s time to go inside and set up our living room extravaganza, though we are a little tired right about now. It’s all good though, and over the course of the next few hours we hang garland, set up Santa knick knacks, change the color theme of the house from brown and orange to red and green, all the while our holiday music plays in the background, though it’s starting to get a little annoying.
Now it’s afternoon and you’re tired, cranky and sick of hearing the Santa Baby song. You haven’t eaten a thing because you just want to get this over with. One of your kids sneaks downstairs and walks through the chaotic mess of boxes but doesn’t offer to help, they only wanted food.
Without making anything for you they trudge back up the stairs. From there it’s another hour of setting up, vacuuming, and preparing the space for the tree. If you get a live one, well your job today is done until the tree comes home but if you have a fake one like we do, then you still have another few hours of torture.
No longer fun, you can’t wait to get this shit over and done with, but suddenly the thought of stringing more lights, hanging bulbs and throwing tinsel just doesn’t appeal to you. You fall back on the couch and look around at the mess of crap all over the room, boxes, bins, candles, tinsel, tree ornaments and life becomes too overwhelming to handle.
So you do what is only natural…you put everything away and stack up the bins until your spouse comes in to drag them all back downstairs. Then you go to the supermarket where they sell little live mini trees…and you buy one. Then you go back to CVS and buy a box of mini lights and tiny bulbs.
You bring home this tiny piece of magic and set it up in the bay window, decorating it with the mini stuff you bought for it. Within ten minutes, you are officially done. What started as a glorious day of decorating is finally over thank heavens. Then you take a nap, a long nap, and when your family makes fun of you for the dwarf tree in the room, you don’t get upset.
See, there’s not many things you can put under one of these mini trees and so you explain to your kids (and spouse) that their Christmas gifts will be as mini as the space under the tree. It’s fun to watch their faces fall when they realize you aren’t kidding. And thus ends another wonderful year of holiday decorating happiness.
Guaranteed every family member in the house will help you decorate next year.