First off, I want to apologize for being a day late and a dollar short with this post.  It’s the first time I’ve missed a Monday morning since starting my blog but given that Monday was Christmas, hopefully you’ll give me a pass.

Now that you’ve forgiven me, I would like to take the opportunity to wish all of my readers a very happy holiday season.  It seems like December came and went faster than a wet sneeze but here we are, 2018 only a week away.

As for my Christmas, well, let me tell you about it…

I woke up (with only a minimal hangover from Christmas Eve) bright and early Christmas day and the first thing I saw was a beautiful blanket of white outside my window.  There was a light sheen of ice atop the snow which cast a spectacular glimmer upon the world.  It truly was a white Christmas, one that was not expected.  After staring in awe out my bedroom window for a good, long minute, I did what so many other wives do on such a day as this…I jumped out of bed in anticipation of doing the happy dance around a brand, spanking new Lexus, with an oversized red bow on the roof, sure to be parked outside.

I mean, that’s what is supposed to happen when a deserving wife and mother of three wakes up on Christmas morning to a snowy world of white.  Right?

Every commercial played within the past forty-one days PROMISES a Lexus, and the days all start out with the mom waking up to a snowy white morning.

You’ve all seen it, a beautiful woman with wool pajamas and a scarf jumps out of bed with perfectly combed hair and makeup intact on Christmas morning to find her sparkling Lexus SUV sitting in front of her house (bone dry, of course, without a single snowflake stain) despite the fact the world around is covered in six inches of snow.

Her children gaze lovingly nearby, having waited patiently for just this moment when their beloved mother finds her four wheel drive surprise and her husband (who looks to be a cross between David Beckham and George Clooney) smiles proudly knowing he’ll be getting the best sex of his life later that night for having splurged on such an expensively perfect gift.

Well, I followed the commercial’s instructions and ran out of my bedroom, all the while wondering what color my Lexus would be.  Though I probably should have traded in my torn tee shirt and mismatched sweatpants for the cozy woolies, and maybe wiped away the mascara which was smudged under my right eye.

No matter, I searched the living room for my kids who were probably waiting for just the right moment to jump out and yell, “SURPRISE!” but I couldn’t find them.  I swore for half a second I heard unusual gastric sounds coming from the bathroom that in no way resembled those of brand new car keys but I ignored them because there was nothing coming between me and my new Lexus.

I almost tripped over the dog waiting by the front door, more interested in pooping than in celebrating with me over the prospect of a new car.  Eventually, I made it out the front door of the house.  I dashed through the snow, slipped on a patch of ice, took out my recycling bin and face planted onto a patch of grass but paid no mind because I knew I’d be driving to the local emergency room in style in my fancy NEW LEXUS!

Wiping the snow from my eyes and ignoring the abrasions burned into my palms, I stood up, refocused and was so convinced there was a Lexus waiting for me that I yelled at the top of my lung, “Oh my God, it’s GORGEOUS!” without actually seeing a Lexus.

Let’s just say that old Mr. Whitman from across the street, who happened to be outside picking up his newspaper, winked provocatively at me this morning when I left for work and flashed me his boxers when he leaned down to pick up his paper.  I almost crashed into my neighbor’s mailbox when I saw the words “Kiss me, I’m yours” written across the back of his underwear.  Blehhhh!

Anyway, the point is…there WAS NO LEXUS in my driveway, only my dirty, snow-covered Mitsubishi Outlander with the message, “Anna was here” written in the dirt along the side door.  Thanks Anna, for reminding me that you are always close in spirit (and in dirt).

I trudged back inside with slumped shoulders, messed hair, stinging palms and followed by my stinky, wet dog to find my three kids and husband all sitting around the Christmas tree waiting for me.

“Yeah, she’s here!”  my little one yelled and handed me her gift.  “Open this one first,” and she handed me a small box.  As I opened her gift, she jumped up and down like a crazy lunatic but her excitement was contagious and made me forget all about my unLexus experience.

Her gift was a new case for my cell phone with an owl on it!  If you know me, you know I love owls.  My office is full of them, so this gift was special, and coming from Anna, who ordered it all by herself from Amazon, made it even more so (don’t ask, apparently my eleven year old is quite tech savvy and able to access my Amazon Prime account flawlessly).

Then Ellie, my middle child, handed me a piece of paper and on it was the most spectacular drawing of another owl which she hand drew with pencils.  It was precious and sweet and I cherished it more than anything she had ever given me.

My son, well, ok he didn’t get me anything but then again, he’s a fifteen year old self-centered teen with raging hormones which turn him into a bagel hoarding monster more often than not so I truly didn’t mind.

And the love of my life bought me books to improve my writing skills (before you crack the wise ass remarks, you need to know I asked him for books on writing…creative writing books, but books on writing none the less).

Before long, everyone had opened their gifts and we rescued the dog from under all the wrapping paper before she got tangled up in bows and ribbons.

Chris and Anna disappeared shortly thereafter and with sudden jaw dropping amazement I realized they were in his room setting up their laptops…together.  One thing about these two kids is that they do not mesh.  They’re like oil and water…if oil and water exploded when mixed.

Yet, there they were, in Chris’s room, talking, with Chris helping Anna.  Screw the Lexus, this truly was a Christmas miracle!

My family made me realize that it’s the little things, not the Lexus’, that make our lives special (although seat warmers would have been sooo awesome) and it’s our families which bring us true miracles during this crazy season of material things.

So next November, when those stupid Lexus commercials start up all over again, just remember one thing…

The snow outside is fake.

Oh, one more thing…

You don’t need a damn Lexus to make your holiday special (unless you’re my husband reading this and then I just want to say that a royal blue Lexus actually would make my holiday just a slight bit more special)

Happy holidays to you all,

Diane