This post is for all the women out there who carry a pocket book, handbag, purse, satchel or shoulder bag.  I cleaned mine out this weekend and what I found in it essentially scared me.  If you’re anything like me, then you may just want to dump your bag out and take inventory.  It can be quite amusing.

Here’s a list of what I found in mine:

Two bandaids,

Wallet (with no money) but lots of credit cards

CVS eye glasses

Three keys, to what I have no idea

Safety pin

Six lone raisenettes, one of which was squished into the material

A miniature dog bone (no idea)

One candy corn (which I ate)

Post it notes (with a note to ‘clean out my bag’ written on the top)

7 pens

A bouncy ball from one of those 25 cent machines

One silver hoop earring

An inactive cell phone (from three years ago)

Purell (fun size)

Tooth picks

Tweezers

Used tissues

Three pieces of chewed gum wrapped in tiny pieces of paper

The birthday card I never sent my sister, addressed and stamped from last year with forty bucks in it (came in handy ‘cause my wallet was empty)

Seven dollars and thirty two cents in change

A wad of receipts

My checkbook

Zyrtec

Clariten

Sudafed (must have been a bad allergy season)

Four hair bands, three bobby pins and one broken hair clip

Two butterscotch candies

A lighter (? I don’t smoke)

A church bulletin from 2014

A paper with the name Jack written on it along with a phone number (I swear honey, I don’t know who Jack is)

A peach pit (WTF?)

White out (should’ve used it to cover up Jack’s name)

Ear buds

Whistle

A rock

A wine cork (smelled like a good year)

Mini travel toothbrush

Two tampons (thank god unused)

A highlighter

And this.

HAPPY PILLS!

HAPPY PILLS!

 

Here’s my story and I’m sticking to it…

 

One day I decided to go to the store to buy a bottle of wine, but was sneezing so much before I left that I grabbed some allergy medicine but threw them in my bag because I knew the store was going to close soon and didn’t have time to grab water.

On the way out, my neighbor asked me to bring in his mail for the week because they were going away and he handed me the keys to his house.  I made it to the supermarket, got hungry and grabbed a peach but realized I had no money in my wallet to pay for it so I ate it and dropped the pit in my bag before before anyone noticed.

I was supposed to go to the post office to mail my sister’s card but there was an event at the church which I wanted to check out and I grabbed a flyer on the way out so I could see when future masses were so that I might pray for my soul since I was a peach thief with no money.

Since I hadn’t taken my allergy pills yet my nose was running and I used every tissue I had blowing it.  Then a man with a Yorkshire Terrier approached me and I asked if I could pet it but he said only if I gave it a bone and he handed me three tiny dog bones.  After giving the dog two, he growled (the dog, not the man) and I kindly thanked the man and took off, losing one of my silver hoop earrings in the process.

When I got home I went to grab my neighbors mail and when I dropped it off inside his house, I found he had left me a bottle of wine in thanks.

I decided to open it right then and there because I had almost lost my life after being eaten by a killer terrier, so I found a bottle opener and had a glass but I couldn’t get the cork back in the bottle so I took it home as is and threw the cork in my bag.

As I left the house, a man approached me and asked who I was and I said I was the neighbor assigned to bring in the mail.  He said he was Jack, the neighbor’s brother and then wrote his number down on a post it in case I needed anything.

The tampons are self-explanatory as is the other stuff in my bag, although I can’t explain the toothbrush.  At least I know it wasn’t because I was having an affair with a guy named Jack.

As for the Happy Pills, I truly have no idea what that pill inside was.  All I know is that about a half hour after taking it, I had an urge to clean out my bag.

Here’s to you, you unidentifiable energy boosting happy pill…whatever you were.

????????

??????