My son Chris is fifteen and for health class he was assigned to care for a baby.  Not just any baby, either, but a life like computerized version with programmed times requiring it be fed, changed, burped and rocked. (I feel a book coming on…a sick ass paranormal version of Stephen King’s Christine but in this instance, it’ll be called Chalupa the killer baby)

Yes, my darling son named his child Chalupa.  Why?  Because he could, there is no other explanation.  So for three days and two nights (simply not a long enough period of time, if you want my opinion) he was Dad to baby Chalupa.  He was not allowed to give Chalupa to anyone else to care for because Chris wore a bracelet that he had to hold up to the baby whenever he fed it, changed it, burped it or rocked it.  It was a sensor that beeped letting the computer chip in Chalupa’s brain know that Chris had done the assigned task at the time he was supposed to do it.

I think the whole idea is one of the best ones the high school has ever had!  I mean, for once Chris will know what it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night to feed a kid.  He’ll feel the stiffness in his arm from carrying around an eight pound mound of flesh for three days straight.   He’ll get to hear the screaming of it’s lungs when it’s time to feed it and hear the whining when it wants to be held or rocked.

My only regret is that they did not give the babies the ability to poop or pee.  I mean jeez, if Hasbro could come up with Baby Alive, a baby that cries actual tears, pees fluid, throws up and produces droppings in it’s diaper, than I am SURE the $650 version the school purchased should have been able to do the same thing.

But ok, I’m over it I guess.  Still not fair though.  Anyway, my husband Angel and I had been getting on my son’s case this past year because he’s constantly giving us a hard time with chores, or doing anything besides being a pain in the ass.  Well ever hear of the old saying payback’s a bitch?

We decided to get even, big time….Chris gets graded on how well he handles his baby and cares for it.  He would get points deducted if the baby cried too long or sat in a so called wet diaper too long.  So what better way to teach our son how to be kinder to his parents than to KIDNAP HIS KID!!!!

It would be the perfect crime!  We’d sneak up into his room, steal the baby and hide it.  Then we’d leave him this:

RANSOM NOTE

SIGN HERE PLEASE

I mean, come on people, there is NO better way to BLACKMAIL your kid than to threaten him with getting an “F” in school!

Ok for all you folks who are sitting back in their chairs right now calling me a mean ass mother, answer me this one question…isn’t it true that part of the responsibility for raising a child is making sure no one steals your kid?

Yes it is, so the way I see it is that he should pay more attention to who’s sneaking around the house late at night.

It would have all worked out great too, but Angel and I made one, itty bitty mistake.  We told the girls, Anna and Ellie what we were going to do.

You’d think that after all the horrible fights Chris has had with them, all the nasty names he’s called his sisters, and all the teasing he’s subjected them to that they would have jumped at this opportunity to get him back.

Well, shockingly instead, they begged and pleaded with us NOT to kidnap Chalupa, because it was a “mean” and “horrible” thing to do to Chris.

WTF people?  I felt like I entered the Twilight Zone or something!  When I told them I was going to do it anyway, they had the nerve to tell Chris who then locked his door so he and Baby Chalupa could remain safe and sound.  God, my kids are such cry babies.

Normally, I’d be pissed, but after seeing what my son looked like on the third day, I didn’t feel so bad.

A LITTLE TIRED MAYBE?

(PS  As you can see I still haven’t gotten to the laundry yet)

The moral of this story:

-Convince the high school to purchase Baby Alive and throw the more expensive versions away

-Never tell your children anything remotely ingenious, they’ll gang up on you and ruin everything

-Do laundry more often so that my kids won’t be half naked in pictures posted on blogs