I wrote a letter to my 16 year old self in the hopes that when I wake up tomorrow, I will be rich and beautiful because of the advice I give to me in the letter. Ok, that’s not why I did it…I really felt like lecturing someone and since my kids are nowhere to be found, I thought this would be a good substitute.
There you are thirty years earlier and worrying about the future just like I am wondering what life will be like another thirty years from now. Yes genius, when you turn 76 years old. I know you suck in math, because I still suck in math, which means you don’t heed my advice now and pay more attention in math class but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, it appears I have been granted this opportunity (voodoo witchcraft if you ask me) to send you a letter from the future. Thirty years in the future to be exact. You know that déjà vu feeling you get sometimes, especially when you’re alone or walk into a room? That feeling is not because you have supernatural powers or telepathy or because aliens invaded your mind last night. It’s me dumbass!
Yes, me, or you…us actually. I know all, because whatever you do becomes an instant memory for me. Creepy huh? Good, maybe it will make you think twice the next time you try to eat seventeen oreo cookies again in one sitting. (yes, I watched you eat every single damn cookie last week and it truly was gross)
Anyway, let me get back on point. I am writing to you now so that I might share some wisdom and tips with you, and possibly some lotto numbers. You don’t turn out half bad, but there’s definitely some things you can do to improve your situation, which would ultimately improve my situation. I know your hormones are raging and I am going to ask you to please stop daydreaming about…hmmmm, who was it at 16? Bruno is it? Oh shit, sorry, forget Bruno, repeat after me…there is NO BRUNO!
Anyway, here are some of my words of wisdom which you may take with you as you ponder life’s many questions:
- Do NOT use any more Sun In…you think your hair is big now but wait until you try to tame that shit down in ten years after all the damage you’ve caused it
- Start putting sun block on because you have created more sun spots on your hands than you’d care to know about
- Don’t inject lidocaine into your belly button the night you get it pierced, they make you come back cause it’s all puffy. Suck it up and accept the pain! (Oh and don’t get it done at that stank ass place on Fordham Road, it ain’t legit and you truly need to do better research before you let anyone stick a needle in you)
- Eat more vegetables because you develop issues with constipation
- Do NOT buy the sequined red halter top and if you insist on still buying it then please PLEASE do NOT stuff your bra with toilet paper because it falls out as soon as you step onto the dance floor
- No matter how hard you try or how long you practice you will NEVER attain Dirty Dancing status and no, you never meet Patrick Swayze
- Don’t buy Mr. Amen’s ’77 Dodge Aspen even though you can afford to pay the $100. The reason you get dizzy every time you test drive it is because the engine is emitting carbon monoxide through the vents.
- If you ever contemplate bringing a boy back home from college when Mom and Dad go out, DON’T…they come home early.
- Do not stand behind your boyfriend Sergio as he melts chocolate in a pan on the stove. He burns his finger, flings the spoon in the air and burns you on the right wrist, leaving a scar that looks like a Pepperidge farm gold fish
- While we’re on the subject…don’t date Sergio
- Oh and while you’re looking at your wrist, see how your skin looks? Yeah, good. Maybe you’ll start putting hand lotion on, you lazy shit
- Your rhythm will always be off when you dance the Electric Slide, no matter how well you think you’re doing it.
So there you have it…just a few tips from your older, wiser, and slightly more wrinkled self.
Heed my advice and you will live another thirty years…well actually you will anyway. Gotta go now cause I just got a letter postmarked 2047…from me.